5 Tips for Holiday Happiness

As a strength-based life coach, I am frequently asked this time of year, “What tips do you have for managing holiday celebrations, especially with family members that are experts at pushing buttons?” In addition, clients report wanting not only to survive the holidays, but to actually enjoy them. Is it possible to have a memorable celebration, in a good way, not in a turkey thrown across the table way? The answer is yes, but it requires learning some new skills. The following are 5 tips for promoting holiday happiness:

1. Have realistic expectations. Many of us would love to have holiday celebrations filled with glowing lights, clinking glasses, and appreciative family members. However, most of us do not have television families. If we show up for the holidays expecting the symphony and all we end up with is a harmonica solo, we are going to be pretty disappointed, to say the least. Seriously, it is important that we hope for the best but be grateful for whatever blessings come our way, no matter how small.
2. Pay attention to our basic needs. Remember the HALT acronym. Never get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. When we take care of our basic needs, we will have more energy to devote to compassionate communication. It is challenging to have patience with button pushers when we are worn. In addition, we may end up being a button pusher for someone else without even realizing it. An empty belly has been known to promote bear like behavior in even the kindest people.
3. Be open to compromise. Many of us have the tendency to want to be in control of everything. We like our food prepared in our traditional family ways, we want the decorations to be hung just so, and we desire to bring old customs into new families. This can create challenging situations when everyone is trying to get their needs met at once. We need to make a monumental effort to find a workable compromise for everyone involved. If we decide ahead of time what our priorities are, it will be easier for us to let go of some smaller issues. For example, if your favorite Thanksgiving dish is stuffing and this year you will be a guest rather than the chef, you may ask if you can bring your own stuffing to accompany the other side dishes. That way you can still enjoy your own special stuffing without grabbing an apron and trying to “fix” the family recipe that was brought over on the Mayflower.
4. Ask for what you need. Once we decide what our priorities are, we need to communicate them to others. This is the part that can get a bit dicey, because there may be a lot of emotion involved. When attempting to bring the past into the present, we may revert back to old behaviors. We may find ourselves trying to ask for what we need in the most childlike ways. So how do we express ourselves in ways that will be beneficial for everyone? We need to remember to communicate our needs respectfully. The sandwich is a very helpful communication tool. First validate others’ needs, second use an “I” statement to say what you need, and third follow up with appreciation. For example, “ I am looking forward to tasting your famous Mayflower stuffing this year. I would like to also bring my mother’s holiday stuffing if it is ok with you.” The chef responds with, “Of course, you can never have too much stuffing.” You respond with, “I really appreciate being invited to your house this year. This is such a treat for me.” Now all is well.
5. Use firm boundaries with compassion. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to avoid him or her, the notorious family button pusher corners us. How do we manage this interaction without diving under the buffet table in an effort to escape? First of all, take a deep breath. This buys us a bit of time to gain our equilibrium. Then allow this person enough time to get out one or two sentences. Period. There are no negotiations here. Otherwise, we may get sucked into their negativity and it may take hours to stabilize ourselves. Now express a quick validation in a respectful way, then present a plausible excuse for exiting, and retreat. For example, they might ask, “When are you ever going to get married? You know you aren’t getting any younger or thinner.” Your response might be, “It is nice to know how much you care about me after all these years (and on some level they probably do.) Thank you. Will you excuse me? I need to go cut great grandma’s food.” Well, you get the idea.

Yes, the holidays are here and they provide us with the opportunity for much joy and camaraderie. It is truly a blessing to spend time with special people in our lives. If we make a choice to communicate with others in a respectful way, our interactions will be much easier. Let us have fun this holiday season as we remember to be kind to ourselves and grateful to others. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

 

 

Lessons from Nature: Finding your Voice and Promoting Community in a Garden of Egos

I have this charming little plaque with an inspirational saying hanging on my bedroom door. It is decorated with multicolored flowers and a white picket fence. There is a fancy blue and yellow butterfly with red polka dots perched above the rectangle, connected with some sort of copper wire. I have transported this decorative piece of encouragement for nine years to nine different residences. Moving so much has made it challenging to grow significant roots.  That is why it’s message, “Bloom where you’re Planted” is so important to me.

When we move frequently we have to learn how to interact with new friends, roommates, business associates and perhaps even family members we used to talk to only on holidays. Learning to communicate effectively as part of a new system takes strength, courage and patience. I imagine as a plant, learning to bloom in a garden with many different varieties can also be a bit intimidating and require these same attributes. In addition, even if you have lived in the same home with the same people for eons, it still can be difficult to communicate during challenging circumstances.

In home number nine, we have a fabulous container garden on the patio. First and foremost, is a glorious spider plant with beautiful flowered shoots protruding from its luscious green and while variegated leaves. This plant has been with us for all of the moves. It is the alpha of the plant family and stands proudly front and center on the top of our patio wall. Recently we put an ailing little succulent plant next to the spider. The next morning, it had covered the entire plant with one of its many hanging babies. The petite succulent was not pleased. We then moved the spider so it’s baby couldn’t reach the suffering succulent. The next morning the baby had moved at least six inches and was almost smothering the plant like a giant beach umbrella. I wish I could tell you this story has a happy ending for the little succulent, although the illustrious spider has been extra perky lately.

Also residing in our garden, is a single glorious red geranium plant. It appears quite content to be growing in its own personal container, allowing it roots to grow and flourish without any entanglements from any other roots. It reminds one of the shy only child who tries to blend in and not call attention to itself. It has no idea how lovely and special it really is. It stays in the background allowing others to take control until one day after being pushed too far one to many times, it finds it’s voice.

Two pots of herbs overflowing with mint, thyme, rosemary and oregano grace our garden paradise. Their fragrance is earthy and makes one want to rub their little leaves to release a whole new level of their essence. Their culinary contributions to our dinner table have been legendary and they seem to know it. When looking to harvest a fresh herb they all seem to be standing at attention calling out, “Oh, oh, oh, pick me!” like a young child trying to get the teacher’s attention.

Next to the herb plants is the lovely and tranquil dragon tree plant. It’s the easiest going of the entire plant family. It never complains if it is thirsty or hungry or too hot or too cold. It is patient beyond words and always seems to be at peace. It provides a sense of calm in a chaotic world.

Three pots of annuals featuring pink and purple petunias, brilliant blue lobelia and sunny yellow marigolds add a splash of color and sophistication to our garden retreat. These flowers are the super models of the garden and they welcome you to gaze at them in unbridled admiration, as you gush over their extraordinary beauty.

There is one very delicate plant called a shamrocks plant that occupies a coveted spot on our little patio table. We purchased it after St. Patrick’s day from the bargain bin. It was touch and go for a few weeks until the right location could be found for this high maintenance specimen. Whenever it is too windy, hot, cold, cloudy, or sunny, it folds up its little leaves and retreats. It must be watered from the bottom so it is allowed to drink when it so desires. However, when all is well with this little plant, it rewards the garden with stunning tiny white flowers.

Last but certainly not least, are two distinguished palm trees sporting fabulous fronds over five feet high. They stand over the garden as if they were soldiers dressed for duty at Buckingham Palace. One can always depend upon them day or night to take care of business.  All seems well in the world with these palms ever vigilant, protecting the garden.

How do all these different personalities manage to coexist in our garden family? On a higher level they all seem to be working together for the greater good. However, they still have their individual needs that must be met on a daily basis. Let’s review the different personalities:

1. Bully: The spider plant exhibits bullying behaviors. It most likely has low self-esteem. It was probably also bullied as a young plant. The spider tries to get his needs met by making the other plants feel inferior. It tries to elevate its own status through intimidation and disrespect of others. This plant identifies those who are struggling and also lacking in self-esteem. It preyed on the ailing succulent knowing full well it didn’t have the ability to fight back.

2. Wallflower: The red geranium is a wallflower, literally and has no idea how special it is. It is radiantly beautiful inside and out but has yet to discover its unique attributes. It has many brilliant ideas but hasn’t mustered the courage to share them with the world at this point. When its needs are not met it looks for ways to manage on its own. It is fiercely independent and does not ask for help. At some point the Universe sends it a lesson that it cannot solve on its own, and the journey towards empowerment begins.

3. Worker: The herb plants are hardworking and provide nourishment and even homeopathic remedies for the gardener’s family. They need to be watered frequently in order to keep up production. When they become dehydrated they blow over, alerting the gardener that their needs have not been met. Then are quite resilient though, and spring back quickly. They know how to communicate their needs in a gentle way without disrupting the delicate equilibrium of the plant system.

4. Sage:  The dragon tree is like the wise sage who resides at the top of the mountain. It has few needs and its life purpose is to teach others how to live a peaceful and happy coexistence with the others. It has many lessons to teach for those who have ears to hear.

5. Prince/Princess: The three pots of flower fashionistas, the royalty of the garden, are very high maintenance. They require daily watering, pinching back their dead flowers, and daily optimum lighting. They will droop and pout immediately if they don’t get their needs met. They look so sad and pathetic that the gardener will rush out with the watering can, apologizing profusely.

6. Victim:  The shamrocks plant is the victim of the garden. It has had a great deal of challenges, and has difficulty bouncing back. It doesn’t understand why events keep happening that threaten its safety. It complains incessantly. It tries to protect itself from future pain by closing up its leaves. Everyone feels bad for this struggling plant and their pity perpetuates the victim mentality. The shamrocks seems to enjoy all the attention, until one day no one wants to hear its sad tales of woe anymore. The victim identity no longer works and the plant is forced to adopt a new strategy.

7. Warrior:  The palm trees are the warriors of the garden providing safety and security for all. They know how to take care of business when there are threats and will protect the plant family from potential hazards. They exude a sense of power and will fight for worthy causes, like the safety of the garden.

Some of these personality traits contribute to the greater good of the community and some prevent growth and inhibit connection. As humans, we pride ourselves on our own positive traits and tend to make judgments against those that exhibit negative traits. However, we all have the potential to display these negative behaviors especially during challenging circumstances. For example, anyone who is a parent knows that if their child is being threatened, the parent will do whatever it takes to protect their child. This may include some bullying behaviors. I once yelled at a neighborhood child who was harassing my child as he rode his bike up and down our lawn. I called out in a rather ferocious mamma bear voice, “How would you like it if I drove my car over your lawn?” To this day I feel bad about my behavior. However, it proves that in certain circumstances we all have the ability to growl like a grizzly. In addition, can any of us say that we have never felt and acted like a victim? Most of us don’t enjoy being around people that constantly moan and groan. It is exhausting to be around those people. They suck your energy and you end up feeling physically and emotionally drained. But what about when we are the moaner groaners? I have been known to go on quite a tirade when I felt I have been wronged. Sometimes I don’t even realize how my behavior is affecting others because I am so engrossed in my own private pity party. In addition, let’s not forget about the prince/princess. These self-absorbed people can be so challenging to deal with. It’s all about them 24/7. Do you ever interrupt a conversation because you just can’t wait to tell your story? Do you do this frequently? I have caught myself interrupting repeatedly when I have something exciting to share and the other person appears to be droning on and on. The princess in me has reared its sparkly crown.

It can be rather shocking when we realize that we are all really the same. We are all just trying to get our needs met in the most efficient way possible. We need each other to grow and thrive as individuals and to promote a healthy community whether plant or human. When we learn to stand up for ourselves in a respectful way and practice compassion, our interactions will become easier. As we learn new ways to communicate, we need to remember that we should not allow others to be disrespectful or even abusive to us. That is not ok. Ever.

The following are 5 communication strategies that can assist us to get our needs met while at the same time contributing to the overall empowerment of the community:

1. Make choices coming from a place of positive intention. When we make a choice based upon positive intention it seems to promote a positive outcome. Communication from a place of compassion and cooperation frequently produce positive results for the individual and the community. Furthermore, a choice based upon a negative intention such as selfishness and greed, may produce disastrous results. When we try to get our needs yet by yelling and attacking, most likely others will feel attacked and might yell back in an even more ferocious way. When people are able to listen to each other with compassion rather than judgment, a compromise may be reached. This promotes growth in the individual and unity within the community. Peaceful communication is achieved by respect and kindness not hostility and angst.

2. Practice the 5/1 rule. Dr. John Gottman, renowned therapist known for his work in marital stability and relationship analysis, tells us that for every negative interaction, we need to have at least five positive interactions to balance it. So when communicating, it is important to make five positive comments from the heart to balance out one ego based negative comment. Start small and look for any positive behavior that you can point out in an appreciative manner. For example, you might say to your office coworker, “I noticed you ordered my favorite kind of tea. That was so thoughtful of you to remember. That tea really helps me start my day with a smile.” Even if it is their job to order the tea, noticing and then practicing gratitude will promote more positive interactions. It is a universal law.

3. Conflict is inevitable. It’s how we resolve the conflict that determines the strength of our relationships. In every interaction there are at least two people trying to get their needs met. Disagreements are bound to occur. When we are able to look at others through compassionate eyes rather than bruised egos, our interactions are much more effective. In addition, our relationships develop much stronger foundations.

4. Stop and Breathe. When an interaction becomes uncomfortable, stop and breathe. Lower your voice and proceed in a calm voice as you remember to find compassion in the moment. If you cannot communicate genuinely from your heart, take a time out. Excuse yourself for as long as you need to calm down. You might say, “I am going for a walk to clear my heard. This conversation is important to me and I want to give you my full attention.” Keep it short and sweet and void of emotion. This way when you return to the discussion, you will be able to be speak from your heart and not your animated ego.

5. Utilize firm boundaries with compassion. It is important to ask for what you need in a respectful and compassionate way. For example, when a colleague at work starts yelling at you because they as frustrated with their inability to get their work done you can utilize The Communication Sandwich:

Validation – “I understand how stressful it is when you don’t have enough hours in the day to get your work done. It’s exhausting.”

I statement– “I need you to tell me how I can help lighten your load. You probably don’t realize it but you have been yelling at me. I would appreciate it if you would talk to me in a calmer way so I can use my energy to complete our project timely.”

Appreciation– “I really appreciate all your hard work. I know it isn’t easy working in such a demanding environment with crazy people. Let’s work together as a team and help each other. Then let’s go out and celebrate our successes.” Keep it simple and emphasize working together as a team for the greater good. It’s also helpful to add a little humor to soften the rough edges of the interaction.

When we look into the eyes of another, we are reminded that we are all really the same, connected in numerous ways, perhaps more than we realize. At any given moment we are all just doing the best we can with what we have, one day at a time. The more we can understand that when we help others we help ourselves, the healthier our community will be. Plants and humans alike, we all need each other to grow and thrive. Being respectful and finding compassion for one another especially during challenging times, makes our garden grow and together we can all bloom where we are planted.

7 Tips for Rewriting Resolutions From the Heart

Every year many of us make the same New Year’s resolutions. We resolve to eat less, exercise more, spend less, save more, be kinder to others and ourselves, and perhaps even help save our beautiful planet. Sounds inspiring, doesn’t it? We start out feeling pretty good about our healthy choices and altruistic spirit. Then the end of the year rolls around and we wonder, what happened?

Why is it so challenging to accomplish these resolutions and what can we do to break this cycle? When we attempt to achieve our resolutions from a purely ego based perspective, we are coming from a place of lack. Since lack creates more lack, the cycle just perpetuates itself. When we rewrite our resolutions utilizing a spiritual approach, we now have the power to achieve them with ease and feel a sense of accomplishment.

As this New Year rings in, we have the opportunity to develop resolutions that are coming from a higher level of consciousness. It is a time to release those old tapes filled with lack and fear and embrace a new paradigm overflowing with possibilities for abundance.

It is a New Year. It is time to seize our power to think new thoughts. Let’s send our resolutions out into the Universe and be open to receive them. Then when opportunities for new careers, new relationships, healthier bodies, and more abundance come our way, we will be ready to embrace them.

The following are tips for rewriting resolutions from the heart:

1.  Lighten your load every chance you get. Catch your mind engaging in situations that are beyond your control. Then make a conscious choice to send light and love to everyone involved and then release the energy. When we take on the issues of others and make them our own, we increase our weight. In order to become lighter, we need to lighten our loads. We will then have more energy available in the present moment to make healthier choices for ourselves as well as the planet.

2. Ground yourself in the Earth. Treat yourself to a little field trip to commune with nature. Take deeps breaths as you explore the natural beauty of the world around you. It doesn’t matter where you go or for how long. Just savor the goodness of our Earth as you connect with the Infinite in the moment. Perhaps you will turn this into a regular routine. You might even discover that you enjoy the exercise as you increase your sense of clarity.

3.  Count your blessings every day. Start a new tradition by thinking of three things that you are grateful for everyday. Write them down when you wake up in the morning. Beginning your day focusing on abundant thoughts is a good way to increase abundance throughout the day. Remember that abundance is much more than your bank account. It is a profusion of good health, good friends, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, and love. Your spiritual bank account, how much unconditional love and compassion you devote to others as well as yourself, is what really matters. Daily deposits into this account create infinite abundance.

4. Celebrate your loving relationships. Reach out to those people in your life that are there for you no matter what. Thank them for those times they held the faith for you when you forgot how. Send them a text, email, or make a phone call. Whatever you do, just let them know how grateful you are that they put up with you, especially when your animated human side emerges.

5.  Exercise your opportunity to forgive in the moment. Forgiveness is so important that it gets its own special place. We all make choices we regret. It is the human part of us. The most important thing to remember is to forgive ourselves and others every chance we get. When we are uncomfortable with our choices, we need to forgive in the moment. Sometimes we need to forgive in many moments until we can come to a place of peace. Life is filled with numerous chances to forgive. At times we may think we have completely worked through a situation and then bam! Something comes up and we have to start forgiving all over again. Forgiveness is always welcome anytime anywhere. It is the gift that keeps on giving.

6.  Embrace change as you let go of control. Many of us are experiencing times of rapid change and uncertainty. Our plans are falling through quite frequently. Eventually we come to recognize that the Universe has something better in mind for us. Some of us resist change with such intensity that it is exhausting. The illusion of control seems to pacify our egos as our spirits become disempowered. Time to take our power back. How do we accomplish this? We let go in the moment and think a new thought that brings us peace. A great practice is to pay attention to affirmations that catch our attention and then write them down. Post these little inspirational nuggets all around the home. Read them out loud whenever the ego is trying to take control. Change is much easier to accept when we remember who we really are and why we are here.

7.  Remember it is a strength to ask for help. We are all connected and we need each other. Sometimes life is too challenging to navigate on our own and we need help. Every time we ask for help, we are providing others with opportunities for growth. We are assisting them on a higher level to fulfill their own life missions. We must calm our egos as we recognize that asking for help is a gift we give to ourselves as well as others. We will be surprised at how often people are happy to help. Occasionally we will be denied assistance and our egos may feel a bit bruised. That is really the best help of all. We now have the opportunity to rise above our egos and increase our power.

As we celebrate the New Year, let us look ahead with renewed faith as we rewrite our resolutions from the heart. Have a peaceful and loving 2016 filled with many blessings.

Communication with Love

Why is it so hard to communicate with people we love? Sometimes we are shocked and dismayed at the words that flow out of our mouths, sort of like a hot hose on a summer day. Ouch! We want to be kind and compassionate but something gets in the way. What is it and what can we do about it?

It’s our annoying ego trying to get its needs met like a demanding two-year-old child. Our ego will do back flips to try and get what it wants. Just like the toddler, its philosophy “all about me” leaves no room for seeing how its actions affect others. How can we move past the ego and get what we want without offending people and sabotaging ourselves? The following are 5 tips to help us get our needs met calmly and without drama:

1. The first step is to recognize our needs. Addictions treatment has an acronym called HALT. It refers to never get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. When we are experiencing one of these issues, it is very challenging to communicate with anyone. For example, like the toddler, we just want to fill our empty bellies, yet our words may come out more like screams. A lot of us may not even realize we are hungry until we have upset the one person that is always there for us. So before we spout off like a killer whale, we need to pay attention to our bodies. When our solar plexus is filled with angst, we need to stop and breathe before we speak. It is challenging at first but it gets easier with practice. Once we realize that we are hungry we might want to say, “I need to get some food before I continue this conversation. This subject is important to me and I want to be able to listen to you. Right now all I can hear is my stomach growing like a grizzly.” Use your own vocabulary but you get the idea. Also remember to use humor whenever you are able. It softens the rough edges of every interaction.

2. Remember, things are seldom what they seem. Sometimes special people in our lives try to get their needs met in ways that seem harsh to us. Our first response is to attack back. This never works out well. Ever. So next time we feel like we are being treated unfairly or even brutally, it is important to ask, “What is really going on here?” When we uncover the real motivation behind these behaviors, we frequently find raw, unadulterated fear. These people need extra compassion and kindness, rather than harshness and accusations. Or perhaps, we are the ones who need this extra helping of gentleness as we attempt to deal with our own demons. It is hard to explain fear to someone when we don’t even recognize our own pain. Often fear is disguised as anger or hurt when it is really a lack of faith in the unknown.

3. Spend time alone in contemplation. Times are changing and much of our physical and emotional security is gone. When we connect with something greater than ourselves, we are reminded of who we are and why we are here. Whether through meditation, communing with nature, or engaging in the flow of an artistic endeavor, we have the opportunity to rise above our emotional discomfort and experience refreshing blissful moments. These moments will provide rest and renewal for our worn psyches. We are more apt to communicate our needs effectively when we are at peace rather than stressed to the nth degree. We put our egos on the back burner as we allow our true authentic selves to shine through.

4. Take inventory of all the kindness we have received from others. Most significant people in our lives have improved in some ways over a certain period of time, whether it has been months or years. It is important to remember how far they have come in trying to meet our needs rather than where we want them to be. When we are able to lower our expectations, we are able to see loved ones in a new light. That light promotes appreciation and patience in ourselves and then comes back to us when we most need it.

5. Help identify the positive choices people have made while trying to please us. Practice gratitude. It is important to thank the people in our lives that have stuck with us through thick and thin. One great way is to highlight their positive choices and actions and how it has affected us. For example, “Thank you for bringing me my morning coffee and letting me drink it all alone as I wake up. It means the world to me that you understand that I need a little alone time first thing in the morning. I am so grateful to have you in my life.” Most of our loved ones really do want to please us and help us get our needs met. We just need to ask for what we need, pay attention when we receive it, and then practice gratitude.

Communication with love requires clarity, patience, a larger knowingness, and gratitude. It definitely takes time and effort to get our needs met as we continue to grow healthy relationships. However, planting seeds of loving kindness provides a fruitful crop of joy and peace for all.

Dreams not Manifesting Fast Enough? – 3 Lessons from the Garden to Promote Patience

Sometimes no matter how positive our intentions are, how much we believe in ourselves, and how many action steps we take, it may feel like nothing is happening in our lives. Many of us have spent a great deal of time and energy releasing the old and are ready for the new to manifest. Yet, nothing seems to have changed on the outside. During this time, it may be challenging for many of us to keep an optimistic outlook.

Our egos may step in and try to convince us that we are not doing enough to instigate change. We may fall into the trap of separation, believing that we must take more control in order to manifest our dreams. Somewhere between intention and manifestation we may begin to lose faith and become somewhat impatient.

How can we muster up patience while waiting for our dreams to manifest? We can turn to the garden for answers.

Lesson #1: When it seems like nothing is changing, know that a time of dormancy may be necessary for growth. In some climates plants require a period of quiet inaction in order to conserve energy. Then when the conditions are favorable, they will once again grow and flourish. In the Pacific Northwest region of the United States, roses are pruned back to stick-like figures in the winter. Then one day when the gardener least expects it, the plants become vibrant with the green of new growth. Soon after buds appear and at just the right time, gorgeous roses splatter color throughout the previously barren garden. Change has occurred and the blooms are more beautiful than the gardener ever dreamed possible. The garden is full of magical surprises, just like our lives.

Lesson #2: Amazing manifestations are worth waiting for, no matter how long the wait. Gardeners who have been blessed with Gardenia plants, know the power of patience in the garden. Gardenias are exquisite little flowers that emit a heavenly fragrance like no other. They are truly one of nature’s most beautiful contributions to the planet. However, these flowers require a lot of patience and love to grow. In addition, these plants take their own sweet time producing a flower. The space of time between bud and flower can seem like forever, and nothing can speed up the growing process. No amount of cheering, positive affirmations, singing, dancing or pleading is going to encourage that little bud to open up until it is ready. Then, just when it seems like it is never going to bloom, it does. This one little flower that took oh so long to grow, has now manifested into a flower extraordinaire. The garden is a better place because of this flower. It will contribute to the greater good in ways we cannot even imagine, just like we will when it is our time.

Lesson #3: Trust in the Universe. The Universe will assist us to manifest our dreams when we are ready. Ever notice how plants in the garden seem to grow with extra vigor after a good rain? No matter how diligently we water our gardens, there appears to be some magical ingredient in rainwater that seems to promote extra luscious growth in our plants and flowers. We are not able to replicate rainwater. There are some things that we must leave up to the Universe, like rainwater and manifesting dreams. We must have faith that the Universe knows exactly what we need to grow and thrive. Just like it sends the rainwater, it will always send us what we need, at just the right time. The key is to remember it will be on Universe time, not our time. As for that magical ingredient that only the Universe can supply, perhaps it is Divine love sprinkled liberally with our faith and patience. Whatever it is, we will just have to be patient until it is revealed to us.

Choose Kind – Support October National Bully Prevention Month

As a child and family therapist, I have observed how bullying can affect children in very significant and long lasting ways. As a former target of bullying, I have experienced first hand feeling powerless and not having the education and skills to manage the situation.

Bullies look for weak links in the chain and then zero in on their targets. Those who experience low self-esteem and have challenges finding their voices are perfect targets. Many suffer in silence, lacking the tools to effectively deal with the bullying. In addition, bullying may cause symptoms of anxiety, depression, and even suicidality. This makes it even more challenging to muster the strength to speak up.

Whether our differences are physical, behavioral, or cultural, anything that causes us to stand out makes us prone to bullying. Since awareness is the first step to change, the more we learn how to stand up for ourselves, identify our strengths, and celebrate our differences, the more we will be able to extinguish the bullying behaviors.

Bullying touches us all in different ways, whether we are parents, family members, or members of the community. How can we come together in unity to support bully prevention?

“Choose KIND”

1. K-Knowledge is power. Pay attention to the signs and symptoms of bullying. Excessive school absences due to frequent physical symptoms may be a sign that bullying is occurring either before, during or after school. Children will avoid school at all costs to reduce contact with bullies. As mentioned earlier, significant mental health symptoms such as anxiety and depression may also signify that bullying is taking place. Health care practitioners may be helpful for sorting out causes of prolonged physical and/or mental health symptoms.

2. I-Increase communication. Children need unconditional love and support from significant caregivers in their lives. Parents need to learn how to effectively communicate this love and support to their children. In addition, the more parents keep the lines of communication open, the easier it will be to talk to their children when challenging issues come up. Effective communication needs to be respectful, non judgmental and consistent. Parents and caregivers may inadvertently contribute to bullying by talking down to their children, calling them names, and/or pointing out their differences or limitations in negative ways. It is important for adults to help their children identify their strengths, which will help increase their children’s self-esteem. Children also need to learn tools to effectively deal with bullying and work towards empowerment. Many schools are currently participating in bully prevention programs. However, adults may choose to attend parenting classes to increase their communication skills as well as to help educate and empower their children.

3. N- Notify school administrators when bullying is suspected. When adults are given reason to suspect bullying is taking place, it is imperative to contact school principals, vice principals and counselors as soon as possible. The sooner the issue is addressed, the less long-term effects bullying will have on their children. Many parents are hesitant to contact school officials. Parents need to know that it is important for them to advocate for their children and that school officials will take their concerns seriously and take action steps.

4. D- Demonstrate the power of the ripple effect by getting involved. October is National Bully Prevention month. Help to educate your community whether it is your neighborhood or your social network community, as to ways to prevent bullying. Wednesday October 24 is Unity Day. “Make it Orange and Make it End” has been established to support bullying prevention throughout the United States. Wear orange to support the cause. Bullying is a national issue that affects everyone. It is time to come together to raise awareness and provide people with tools to prevent bullying. Make up your mind to Choose Kind. Our children will thank you.

Note: According to the National Bullying Center website, “Choose Kind refers to the bullying prevention campaign inspired by the book, Wonder, the story of August Pullman, a boy born with a facial difference who attends school for the first time.” For more information on “Choose Kind” and The National Bullying Center go to http://www.pacer.org/bullying/nbpm/.

Mindful Job Searching

Many people are currently engaged in the process of job searching. If you have courageously embarked on this journey, then this article is for you. It is meant to guide and support you as you navigate this new phase of your life.

You may have started your search filled with a sense of optimism. After all, with your skills and experience, who wouldn’t want to employ you? You attend your first interview filled with confidence and excitedly await the phone call with the good news. You start telling friends and loved ones about the position in great detail. Everyone is excited for you. You promise to call as soon as your receive confirmation. Then comes the surprise of a lifetime. They gave the job to a more qualified candidate! You decide it was probably a fluke. Surely the next interview will bring success. Yet, the phone does not ring. You begin to receive rejection letters. The ones that arrive in the mail are particularly painful to digest. Luckily most of the letters arrive in your email inbox and can be deleted with a quick click of a mouse. Out of sight and out of mind, so to speak.

The process of job searching provides numerous opportunities to gain humility. Most people have no idea how much they identify with their job until they no longer have one. When you are finally able to throw out your identification badge, the real journey begins. The Universe has just granted you the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

At this point, it is your choice how you want to proceed. You have the opportunity to live in fear or faith. If you choose fear, you will make choices based upon desperation. When you give your Ego full reign, it will gallop you down a bumpy road filled with muddy potholes. Cleaning up the mess can be quite exhausting. If you choose faith, you will be flooded with messages from the Universe. You will develop a new sense of clarity. When you live in faith, you begin to see how every choice you make and every interaction you have, is assisting you to evolve. As you mindfully navigate your job search, you begin to pay attention to positions that allow you to be true to your authentic self. If a job requires you to compromise your values and your life mission, then it is not a good fit for you.

Mindful job searching requires you to quiet your mind and listen to your spirit. You need to tune into the “Divine Guidance” channel as you mute the “Everybody and Their Brother/Sister” channel. It is amazing how many people suddenly seem to know exactly what you should do with your life. It feels like your Ego is being tested twenty-four hours a day. People begin to worry for you and your jobless predicament. Family members encourage you to look for employment in all the wrong places. Folks you barely know are now filling your head with unsolicited advice. You are experiencing information overload to the nth degree.

Your Ego will spiral out of control if you let it. Feelings of hopelessness may begin to envelop your being. You decide to plead for assistance. Suddenly a tiny voice from the very depths of your soul speaks. It tells you to stop and breathe. You make a conscious choice to let your spirit guide you. You suddenly remember who you are and why you are here. You remind yourself that just for the moment you are safe and all is well. You string together several moments of calm until you experience a sense of peace. Congratulations, you have just passed a huge test sent to you complements of the Universe. Celebrate your success.

I have compiled a treasure chest of seven golden nuggets in order to further assist you with your MINDFUL job search. Please enjoy and pass them on.

1. M- Make each day a new beginning. Let go of yesterday’s unmet expectations and embrace today’s infinite possibilities.

2. I- Illusions tell you that you are not good enough. Remember that you are whole, complete and perfect just the way you are.

3. N- No matter what happens, keep a positive outlook. Remind yourself that the Universe has a perfect plan for you. You take action steps and the Universe will take care of the rest.

4. D- Do surround yourself with uplifting people and uplifting readings. Fill up your spiritual gas tank regularly. Make a conscious choice to limit exposure to fear based media and individuals.

5. F- Follow your heart and know that you have much to contribute. Be true to your authentic self and do not compromise your values. You were born with a unique set of attributes. Somewhere out there someone needs your expertise and talents.
Remember that for every need there is a corresponding need.

6. U- Understand that job searching is a process. It is important to have realistic expectations. Remind yourself that a burning desire and consistent effort will allow you to attract what you are looking for. It will happen on Universe time, not your time.

7. L- Love yourself unconditionally. Know that you are not your circumstances. Notice how much courage and perseverance you display as you navigate your job search. Remember that every time you rise above a challenge, you elevate your consciousness and contribute to the greater good.

All You Need is Love – 4 Tips For Increasing Harmony in Relationships

Everyone needs to feel loved and valued. Relationships thrive on practicing gratitude, especially during challenging times. We all love that surprised feeling of being thanked for something we didn’t even realize we were doing. It is a gift to be honored for making someone’s life lighter and brighter.

So why do we sometimes forget to appreciate those who provide us with unconditional love? In addition, why are we so quick to point out their human imperfections? As children, many of us were exposed to more negative comments for unacceptable choices, than positive comments for our accomplishments. Significant adults in our lives modeled these maladaptive behaviors and we grew up to take them on when we became adults. These habits have been ingrained in many of us for decades.

How can we let go of these old behaviors and adopt new ones that will increase the harmony in our relationships?

1. Practice the 5/1 rule. Dr. John Gottman, renowned therapist known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis, tells us that for every negative interaction you need to have at least five positive interactions to balance it. So when communicating with friends and loved ones, it is important to make 5 positive comments from the heart to balance out 1 ego based negative comment. Start small and look for any positive behavior that you can point out in an appreciative manner. For example, “Thank you so much for taking out the trash. I really appreciate you taking it out especially when it is so cold outside.” No act of kindness is too small. Practicing gratitude from the heart will promote more acts of kindness. It is a universal law.

2. Accept the idea that conflict is inevitable. It’s how we resolve the conflict that determines the strength of our relationships. In every interaction there are at least two people trying to get their needs met. Disagreements are bound to occur. When we are able to look at others through compassionate eyes rather than bruised egos, our interactions are much more effective. In addition, our relationships develop much stronger foundations.

3. When an interaction becomes uncomfortable, stop and breath. Proceed in a calm voice as you remember to find compassion in the moment. If you cannot communicate genuinely from your heart, take a time out and excuse yourself for as long as you need to calm down. For example, “ I am going for a walk to clear my head. This conversation is important to me and I want to give you my full attention.” Keep it short and sweet and void of emotion. This way when you return to the discussion, you will be able to be guided by your heart and not your animated ego.

4. Have realistic expectations. Many of us have very high expectations of ourselves as well as others. Our unrealistic expectations keep us from getting our needs met. Even superheroes have bad days. Seriously, if we are able to allow ourselves to be human, which means not being perfect 24/7, then we need to allow others to also be human. Humans are late, forget things, say things they wish they hadn’t, and have been known to emit sounds like aggravated zoo animals. The more we are able to lower our expectations, the more empathy we will develop for others.

Sometimes we forget how blessed we are to be loved. We may not even realize it takes a lot of energy for others to see past our humanness and love us unconditionally. Relationships are sacred and should be celebrated with deep gratitude. So as we take inventory of all the special people in our lives, let’s remember the words from that timeless song, “All you need is love.”

Is Your Life Going According to Your Plan? -7 Golden Nuggets for Managing Change

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

When we are experiencing an unanticipated life transition, many things that we believed to be true are no more. Most of us will be required to let go of things that no longer fit in our lives. Letting go is uncomfortable and we tend to resist it. Even if we believe that change is a good thing, it is still challenging to find our sense of equilibrium. It may feel like we are on one of those moving walkways found at the airport. There are bumps along the way that knock us around. We instinctively reach for the handrail to help steady ourselves. As we attempt to navigate our way past the bumps, it is important to remember that it is natural to feel off balance for a while. How can we get off the old track and onto the new without a time of unsteadiness?

During periods of immense change, there are things that we can do to lighten our loads. The following seven golden nuggets will help you to manage your life transition in a more effective way:

1. First and foremost it is important to arrange our lives so that we feel as safe as possible. Some of us may have enjoyed a special blanket or stuffed animal when we were young. Remember that feeling of utter bliss and safety we felt when we snuggled that lovely piece of soft cloth or fur? We can replicate that feeling of comfort by playing soothing music, burning a fragrant candle, or reading an uplifting passage from a favorite book. Even frequenting a familiar coffee shop where someone knows our name, or shopping at a favorite grocery store, can bring us back to a place of peace. On Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety is a basic psychological need and should be a high priority for all of us.

2. It is also beneficial to practice rituals that allow us to quiet our minds and refresh our spirits. Communing with nature and grounding ourselves in the earth can be very helpful. There is something very gratifying about connecting with nature. It is as if for a brief moment of time, we truly remember who we are and why we are here. Allowing our senses to indulge in the magnificence of nature can be quite soothing.

3. Engaging in a creative activity where we are immersed in the flow can provide us with a sense of contentment. Play can be very therapeutic. Remember as a young child swinging in the park, playing ball, painting a picture, or belting out a favorite song? Anything where we are totally engrossed in the moment can bring us back to a place of joy and peace.

4. When we are going through times of change, allowing our feelings to come to the surface rather than stuffing them will expedite the change process. Ignoring our feelings can feel fine for a while. However, at some point we have to release our uncomfortable feelings if we are going to free up our energy for new positive experiences. Since awareness is the first step to change, recognizing our feelings and making a conscious choice to release them can be very helpful. Utilizing the skills of a professional counselor or health care practitioner can assist us to manage our feelings in an effective manner.

5. We must be very kind to ourselves as we embark on this new chapter in our lives. Treating ourselves with gentleness and compassion is so important during this time of great change. Our emotions may run rampant without us even realizing it. We may be hypervigilant as we try to navigate unfamiliar environments. Loud sounds may seem threatening, small issues such as missing keys or a warning light flashing in the car can send us into a tailspin. Frequently things may seem exaggerated and we may over react to anything or everything. This is to be expected as we try to regain our homeostasis. The key is to remember to nurture ourselves with extra love and patience.

6. Practice kindness and compassion with others. We never know what another person is going through. A smile or a friendly hello can make such a huge difference. Sometimes people that need our love the most seem quite unlovable. The ability to see the Divine in everyone is a selfless act of love.

7. It is important to roll with change as we are pushed down the moving walkways of life. The Universe will help propel us forward if we work with it. If we attempt to fight it, we may become unsteady and slow down the process. There is a natural flow to all of life and the more we respect it, the more at peace we will be. The life we may have planned is officially over. It is time to make way for the amazing life that is waiting for us, as we practice gratitude for that which is on its way.

How to Ask for What you Want: 5 Steps to Increase Effective Communication

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effective communication, relationships, women's issues

Many women who grew up in the 60’s and 70’s were unconsciously programmed to be caregivers. We learned from our mothers and grandmothers the importance of taking care of others first and ourselves last. As adults we continued to carry on this tradition. We took our responsibilities very seriously. Proper etiquette dictated that at mealtime women were to take care of family and friends first. Then, when everyone else was satisfied, they were free to help themselves to whatever was left. Women were instructed to keep a smile on their faces no matter how much their feet hurt. Slaving over a hot stove preparing a scrumptious meal was what they did. It was their job. They never thought to question that there might be an easier way. When a loved one needed assistance, women were taught to drop what they were doing and immediately rush to their rescue. Someone might need help removing a splinter from a finger or a raisin from a nose. The possibilities were endless. They were on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Fast forward to 2014. Flight attendants now remind us to put our oxygen masks on first before we assist our children. It is a new dawn and a new day and now we are having challenges in our relationships. Relationship gurus tell us we need to ask for what we want. How are we supposed to know how to do this? For decades we believed that showing our love meant taking care of others without addressing our own needs. How can we learn to communicate more effectively in our relationships and ask for what we want? 1. Accept that we are worthy of goodness and respect. This is all about empowerment. As we begin to realize how accomplished we are, we will comprehend that we are worthy of asking for what we want. When we pay attention to the positive choices we make, we can celebrate our successes. Most of us have no idea what a difference we make in the lives of so many. Those same care-giving qualities that we are so famous for should be celebrated as huge accomplishments. Sending our children off to school with healthy lunches and loving notes can make all the difference in their day. Delivering homemade soup to an ill friend says I care about you, when perhaps they had doubts if anyone actually did. Connecting through love and kindness is true success not measured by a dollar sign. It is priceless. 2. Begin practicing to ask for what we want in small ways. When we are trying to develop new muscles, we must exercise regularly while not overdoing it. We might want to start by trying this out with a good friend that loves us unconditionally. Next time they ask us where we want to go for lunch, we can tell them. Many of us automatically answer, “I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine with me.” The more we ask for what we want, the easier it will be. 3. Recognize that some people might not appreciate our newly empowered ways. The important people in our lives are used to us acting in certain ways. Some of them may even enjoy the power they have over us. Because of this, when we exercise our independence, things may be a bit challenging at first. This is when effective communication becomes so important. We must ask for what we want and then be willing to stand up for ourselves in respectful and compassionate ways. For example, when asking our children for help we might say, “I know you have had a long day, but I could really use some help with the dishes. Do you want to wash or dry? Oh, and why don’t you put on your favorite music?” Asking for help takes courage and strength, but we can do it. After all, we have a long history of scrubbing floors on hands and knees and staying up all night with sick children. Certainly we have the fortitude to ask for some assistance cleaning the bathroom or doing last night’s crusty dishes. 4. Practice gratitude with people when they allow us to ask for what we want and then comply with our requests. For example, “Thank you for helping me to do the dishes. I really appreciated your help. We sure finished them in a hurry. Your music must have inspired us.” Appreciation is so crucial in effective communication. Most people really do want to meet our needs and make us happy. Often they just never knew what we wanted, because we never asked. 5. Understand that paying attention to the interaction in the present moment is an essential part of effective communication. In relationships it is important to compromise and be flexible. If someone looks a little green around the gills, we might want to rethink the request. For example, “I am sorry I didn’t realize you have such a bad headache. Why don’t you go and rest and I will pick up the kids.” Compassion and understanding will always come back to us at just the right time. It is a universal principle. When we ask for what we want we become empowered. Empowerment provides us with a sense of joy that we are able to pass on to others. Isn’t that all we wanted to do in the first place?