Why is it so hard to communicate with people we love? Sometimes we are shocked and dismayed at the words that flow out of our mouths, sort of like a hot hose on a summer day. Ouch! We want to be kind and compassionate but something gets in the way. What is it and what can we do about it?

It’s our annoying ego trying to get its needs met like a demanding two-year-old child. Our ego will do back flips to try and get what it wants. Just like the toddler, its philosophy “all about me” leaves no room for seeing how its actions affect others. How can we move past the ego and get what we want without offending people and sabotaging ourselves? The following are 5 tips to help us get our needs met calmly and without drama:

1. The first step is to recognize our needs. Addictions treatment has an acronym called HALT. It refers to never get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. When we are experiencing one of these issues, it is very challenging to communicate with anyone. For example, like the toddler, we just want to fill our empty bellies, yet our words may come out more like screams. A lot of us may not even realize we are hungry until we have upset the one person that is always there for us. So before we spout off like a killer whale, we need to pay attention to our bodies. When our solar plexus is filled with angst, we need to stop and breathe before we speak. It is challenging at first but it gets easier with practice. Once we realize that we are hungry we might want to say, “I need to get some food before I continue this conversation. This subject is important to me and I want to be able to listen to you. Right now all I can hear is my stomach growing like a grizzly.” Use your own vocabulary but you get the idea. Also remember to use humor whenever you are able. It softens the rough edges of every interaction.

2. Remember, things are seldom what they seem. Sometimes special people in our lives try to get their needs met in ways that seem harsh to us. Our first response is to attack back. This never works out well. Ever. So next time we feel like we are being treated unfairly or even brutally, it is important to ask, “What is really going on here?” When we uncover the real motivation behind these behaviors, we frequently find raw, unadulterated fear. These people need extra compassion and kindness, rather than harshness and accusations. Or perhaps, we are the ones who need this extra helping of gentleness as we attempt to deal with our own demons. It is hard to explain fear to someone when we don’t even recognize our own pain. Often fear is disguised as anger or hurt when it is really a lack of faith in the unknown.

3. Spend time alone in contemplation. Times are changing and much of our physical and emotional security is gone. When we connect with something greater than ourselves, we are reminded of who we are and why we are here. Whether through meditation, communing with nature, or engaging in the flow of an artistic endeavor, we have the opportunity to rise above our emotional discomfort and experience refreshing blissful moments. These moments will provide rest and renewal for our worn psyches. We are more apt to communicate our needs effectively when we are at peace rather than stressed to the nth degree. We put our egos on the back burner as we allow our true authentic selves to shine through.

4. Take inventory of all the kindness we have received from others. Most significant people in our lives have improved in some ways over a certain period of time, whether it has been months or years. It is important to remember how far they have come in trying to meet our needs rather than where we want them to be. When we are able to lower our expectations, we are able to see loved ones in a new light. That light promotes appreciation and patience in ourselves and then comes back to us when we most need it.

5. Help identify the positive choices people have made while trying to please us. Practice gratitude. It is important to thank the people in our lives that have stuck with us through thick and thin. One great way is to highlight their positive choices and actions and how it has affected us. For example, “Thank you for bringing me my morning coffee and letting me drink it all alone as I wake up. It means the world to me that you understand that I need a little alone time first thing in the morning. I am so grateful to have you in my life.” Most of our loved ones really do want to please us and help us get our needs met. We just need to ask for what we need, pay attention when we receive it, and then practice gratitude.

Communication with love requires clarity, patience, a larger knowingness, and gratitude. It definitely takes time and effort to get our needs met as we continue to grow healthy relationships. However, planting seeds of loving kindness provides a fruitful crop of joy and peace for all.